I was talking to MaMa B. ( Morgan St James) recently about something that traumatized me.
It’s so important to say that it doesn’t matter how much schooling you have, how much education or establishment .. or even the love you may have for a person. That does NOT make you immune from abuse and the reaction to abuse happening again. It’s imperative to understand the warning signs Learn from me!
Although I am no longer a Child, abuse is still abuse. I have a long time friend who was so close to my heart I would have given him the world just for being such an amazing friend for so many years. Then warning signs began pushing me into (PTSD) Post Traumatic Stress Disorder Flight or Fight Mode but my first reaction was DENIAL! How could someone I am this close to hurt me? In his eyes, it was “all in play.” I walked away from the experience with bruises on my body and my heart and soul-- him holding an advance copy of my book in one hand saying he’s for the cause of La Bella Mafia and the other reaching for my throat. Again, “all in play.” I realize I lost a very dear friend because I will not and cannot stand for “play” of this sort.
I also realize that with the dissociative disorder I developed as a child in order to be able to exist despite so much abuse, and what happened with my ex husband when he turned abusive, the reaction would be naturally there. When I went to give a talk to abused women and children in a secret location for their protection, I needed to remember what it is like to be hurt by someone you love and trust. That is how we counsel on the La Bella Mafia Facebook page.
It’s not easy to just… “let go”. You love this person and you want to make it better for them, but you can’t. We have to dig deep to find that self worth again. We have to reach down and find that strength in us that we all have in order to help ourselves and our children.
Although now I am basically hiding in plain sight, I have been in some form of hiding for nearly eleven years now.. ten years of therapy, 2 1/2 years of school, a book ready to publish and a movement to help abuse victims. So most people would think a reaction like like that wouldn’t happen. Let me tell you that it happens to abuse victims who are doctors, lawyers, teachers, preachers and the list goes on!
Once I became aware of triggers, I was able to begin the healing stages and continue on this journey I am on. I am a strong woman .. STRONG woman… and I take this experience to help others to the FULLEST of my abilities. My heart is so huge it gets blind sometimes. It happens. So I say to you.. and to me.. WE ARE WORTH GOOD THINGS! WE DESERVE GOOD THINGS!
With this attitude I am ready to march forward and get the show on the road! My book is scheduled to publish in October 2017, but will be offered for pre-order in July.
I love you all and thank you all for your loving support! Paying it forward one more time. God Bless you! BELLA CAPO